Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 5, Episode 8 Was "a Masturbatory Opus"

#10. "She's a 'Spaghetti Girl': straight until wet!"

She might have just been cast on the biggest straight-people wet dream on television ("Dancing With the Stars") but Marlee Matlin still remembers what's really important: awesome one liners about what it takes to turn a chick gay. Not much, as it turns out.

9. I can't wait to see Max take Adele down. Max wasn't even in this episode, but he still made an impression on my heart. As does Britney Spears (not really). So I give you...both:


(S)he's hot.

8. Sorry Paris and Zac Efron. Turns out the L Word doesn't want your dick after all. If he didn't know it already, leave it the El to let Zac know he's not "hip, hot, hunky, NOR handsome." As Martin Lawrence used to (almost) say...Dayum (T)ina! That had to sting. And I wonder if Paris knows that her buddies at the El think she's not an actress. Hmmm... Months go by. Minds change I suppose. And if Curve Magazine can handle season 4 where they were being treated like slime on the show while promoting the hell out of it in real life, I'm sure Paris can get over it to. That is, if she still remembers what the L Word is.

7. Which came first, the chicken, or the lez? I wanna know if Kelly Mcgillis got the lesbian haircut before or after being cast on the show. I've also decided that I'd like very much to be cast as a stoic court reporter if the L Word gets a 6th season. Or like...as Helena's bra. I'm flexible. *ahem*

6. L Word writers: You can't handle the truth! I love how Alice said during testimony matter-of-factly when asked how long she's known Tasha, "maybe a year. I don't know." She wasn't being flippant. With their infamous juxtaposition of time, even the writers don't know how long they've known each other. I thought it was 3 months. Ha...you know I still love y'all, right.


5. Tasha, you run like a girl, gurl. But damn if she still knows how to fill out a military uniform. DAMN. I mean really, god bless you. It's just a shame how your *ahem* best friend Papi *ahem* just disappeared on you like that. Your uh, best friend *ahem* not being there for you during the most important days of your military career. I wonder where she is. Some would say that I even wonder where the hell Papi is.

4. As a rule, I always bet on Bette. I don't know what the hell was going on with Bette's hair this episode, but the veil of misty confusion disappeared once I realized she was once again quietly giving THE best lines of the night. Highlights include "...some kind of lesbian dinner party nightmare" and the "masturbatory opus" line about Jenny's film that inspired the title of this post. It once again proves my theory that Ilene made Bette in her image. And that reminds me of one of my favorite videos on youtube...


Haha...

3. Sex and titties, and yes, even boobies. Though not overtly used in this episode, its still important to note that the writers payed attention to the need to show me it's loyal audience boobies and titties and stuff this season. "Anonymous" recently left a message on one of my 2 new blogsites and said that I should stop talking or thinking about boobies (I cant remember which, cause I was thinking and talking about boobies when I read it). And to that particular "Anonymous," I say first of all, hi! *big gay wave with my shirt off and titties swaying* And second I say, um...if you don't appreciate bare boobies and talk of bare boobies, you have certainly found yourself in exactly the wrong blogarea...as it were. So I press my hard nipple against your rigid face and I say to you, go on over to a less-boobtacular blogspace. Like the um..."I dont like boobies or fun or sunshine or happiness...ever...at all" blog I've heard so much about. So for the record, I say 'yes' to more gratuitous locker room nake-ticity. 'Yes' to more Shane on Shane hairdresser chair sex. And 'yes' to more of Dawn's lover Cindy and my lover Niki being completely naked, anywhere, all the time.

2. Tasha and Alice. Doin' it. But this time, with their hearts. Aw. It was so romantical and shit. Good job, team!


1. I'd go gay for...the L Word! My own masturbatory opus happened when Molly said the words: "I'm gonna go gay for shane and..."

Yes it was a proud (lesbian) moment for me when the show pulled from my super-cool uber-famous "I'd go gay for Shane" tshirts. I guess they didn't like the less popular "Make Dana a ghost in season 5, don't send away Helena in season 5, where the frick is Papi in season 5, and where's the episode where Arlan gets to, ya know, *do it* with all the lead actresses...in season 5?" shirt. Maybe next season? :-)

...and to my sweet Helena, wherever you are...


You jump, I jump, right Helena? *sigh*